Become a Subscriber

Search
Become a Contributor
Shop for Books by Our Contributors

Also Recommended

Global Adventure with Judith Fein and Paul Ross

Support This Site
Navigation
Powered by Squarespace
Explore
25 Van Ness 25-word essays 40 State 40 Days 99cent store Adventure Travel Africa Aging Air Saftey air travel Airline fiasco Airline Passenger Bill of Rights airline safety Airplane airplane seat selection airport fiasco Alaska all-inclusive resort American Airlines American ignorance Amish Amsterdam Amtrak anger Arab Arabia architecture Argentina Arizona arm chair travel Art Artist Asia Authentic Travel awards Backpack travel bad day baggage Bahamas Bali Balloon Festival ban whale watching Bangkok Barcelona beach being arrested Being authentic Belize Bellingham Washington belly dancing Belmont University Bhutan bicycling bike tour bikes bikes as therapy Billy the Kid bioluminescence Bird watching Birding birthday book contest Boycott Brattany Brazil Breaking news British Columbia Budget travel Buenos Aires Burma bus travel Cahokia Mounds Cairo California Cambodia Camino de Santiago Camping Canada Canadian Geese Cancer car travel Caribbean Caribbean rainforest Carnac Carnival Caving Central America Ceramics change your life Cheap travel Cheap trips cherish life Chetumal children China Christmas Christmas Day Bomber Claridges Class trip Classic Hotels claustrophobic flyer climate change coffee Colombia color contest continental airlines controversy Cook Islands Copenhagen Costa Rica courage cowboy culture Creative travel creative writing crisis Croatia Crop Circles cruise travel cruising Cuba cuisine Culinary travel Cultural travel Culture Cusco CVS cycling Czech Republic dance Death Death Valley National Park Denmark dining dining guide divorce Dominican Republic Dordogne Dubai Earthquake Easter Eco Travel eco-tourism eco-travel Ecuador Egypt elephant seal emergency preparedness England environmental commentary environmental problems Ethiopia Europe European Union excellence in travel writing expat living expats Faith falling family family resort family travel family vacation Fat Tuesday fear festival fiesta Filipino restaurant finances fitnees flight Florida Food forgetfulness forgiveness France French Camp Friendship frustrated flyer frustration gadgets Galapagos Garifuna Gaspe Peninsula Genealogy Germany Ghana gift guide Girona giveaway Glastonbury Festival global curiosity Global eating habits global nomad global warming good day Gorilla Trek Government GPS Grand Canyon grandparents Greece grief guys getaway Haiti happiness Hawaii healing healing journey hearing loss Helicopter tours hiking Historical travel Holiday Celebrations Home Honduras honeymoon horseback riding hotels How to how-to humor Hurricanes i do not love Venice i need a vacation Iceland Volcano Incas independenc India Indonesia inn reviews Inner Child Internal Reflection international marriage introvert iPhone app Ireland Islam isolation Israel Istanbul Italy Jack London Jamaica Japan JetBlue Jewish journaling Judith Fein Jules Older Kansas Karl Rove Kenya kindness of strangers land Language Las Vegas Latin America learning vacations Leukemia Library life lessons life transformation literature living abroad living like a local London Los Angeles loss Louvre at night love luxury hotels luxury travel Maine Malta Manatee Mardi Gras marriage Masonic Temple Massage Maui Maya meditation Mexico Michigan Middle East Military wedding Minnesota Missouri Molokai money Montana Monterey Moose Morocco mother's day mother-son travel motorcycle travel multigenerational vacation Music Musings Myanmar Namibia Nancy King National Prayer Day Native America nature Nepal Nevada New Mexico New Orleans New Year New York New Zealand Newfoundland Nicaragua Nigeria NNew Mexico noise Northwest Airlines Pilots Norway Nova Scotia Ohio Older parents Olive Oil Olympic Peninsula Washington orcas Oregon Orkney Islands outdoors ownership Pacific Northwest Parent's love Paris Partners Passover Paul Ross Pennsylvania personal essay Peru Pets Philippines photography contest Pilots Plane plastic plastic bags Poem Poetry police Politics Portugal postcards Pottery poverty Prague Prayer procrastination pueblo culture Puerto Rico Q&A Quebec Quito ranch vacation random acts of kindness rap song reading reasons to travel recession rejuvenation relaxation Religion Religious holidays remembering mothers Responsible travel. Sustainable travel restaurant reviews revolution River Rafting Road trip roadtrip romance romantic travel Rosemary Beach runway delay Russia Sacred Places sadness Safari sailing Samba music San Andrés de Teixido San Francisco Santa Fe Sardinia Saudi Arabia Scotland sea kayaking Sedona self discovery senior travel Serbia Shakespeare Shamanism shame Shopping short stories Sicily Siena silence Sisters ski vacation skiing Slow travel Slum Tourism Slumdog Millionaire small-group travel Soaking tub Sociology Songwriting South America South Dakota Southeast Asia soviet satellite Spa Spain spirituality Springtime SSan Francisco St. Louis St. Petersburg Standing Stones Steinbeck stress stuff happens Sumatra Summer cottage surfing surviving disaster Sushine Coast Switzerland Tacoma Taiwan Tanzania Taos Taxi Taxi Driver Tbex Texas Thailand The Netherlands the writing life Tokyo Tourism train trip Transformative travel transportation trash travel travel advice travel agents Travel Blogging travel commentary travel confession travel contest travel essay travel gear travel hassles travel humor Travel interrupted travel musings travel opinion travel photography Travel Reviews travel safe travel safety travel security travel technology travel traditions travel trends travel videos Travel with Kids Travel Writing traveling alone traveling with kids traveling with teens trekking trip to the dentist truffles TSA complaints Ttrain trip Tunisia turbulence Turkey Tuscany typhoon UFOs Uganda uncensored travel opinion UNESCO World Heritage Site Union Station United Arab Emirates United Kingdom Upstate New York Utah vacation vacation rental vacation tips Valentine's Day Vancouver Venezuela Venice Venice California Vermont Veterans Day Vietnam Vinayaka Chaturthi virtual vacation Wales Walking Washington Washington D.C. water project waves we don't care airlines weather wedding White Oaks Pottery White Sands National Monument why I fly why not to cruise why travel wildlife spotting wine Women travel workout World Festivals world peace World War I World War II writer's block Writing Yoga Yucatan Peninsula zombie boot camp
« Floating on the Ocean | Main | My Journey to the Union of Heaven and Earth »
Tuesday
Mar182014

Confessions of a Loser

by Jules Older 

 

OK, here it is — my dark secret. 

No, first, let’s set the scene. I’m a professional traveler. I make a substantial part of my unsubstantial living by traveling the globe and writing about it. I should be good at travel.

I am… when I travel with my wife. We serenely swan into Portland or Ponce or Pittsburgh, where we observe, write, photograph, and leave. People say, “My, what a competent couple.”

Couple. That’s the key word here.

When I travel without Effin (who should be declared my legal guardian, not my spouse), I lose everything. Everything. That’s my dark secret.

On a ski trip to Italy, when I drove on to Cortina, my right ski boot stayed behind in Val Gardena. Care to guess how much it costs to ship one ski boot across the Dolomites?

On recent trips, I’ve left my swimsuit in Miami, car keys in Montreal, camera in… I never did find where I left that camera. 

Once, in New Zealand, I got a call from a stranger. “Are you Jules Older?”

“I am.”

“Did you leave your credit card at the Logan Park tennis courts?”

“No, it’s in my wallet.”

“Would you mind checking?”

“Not at all, it’s right here in my… in my…”

“Yes, Mr. Older?”

“If you give me your address, I’ll come by for the card and the wallet.”

But the worst trip by far — the one that convinced me I shouldn’t be allowed to leave home without Effin — was in Montana. I’d gone for a week of downhill and cross-country skiing with four other ski writers; one of them, my friend Jean.

From Day One, Hour One, I could not keep track of my possessions. I left a suitcase in the airport. We had to go back for it. I left my parka in a restaurant. We had to go back for it. I left my hat in a baselodge men’s room. I had to go back for it. And I actually left my skis in a hotel. That time, the group seriously considered sending me back by foot. In a blizzard. And going on without me.

On the last day of the trip, as we were driving to the ski area, Jean had a sudden urge for caffeine. That was unlike her — she’s usually the one pushing to be the first on the chairlift. But we stopped for coffee, then piled back in the van for the drive to the mountain. 

When we got there, I opened the rear door and tossed out five pairs of skis, five pairs of boots, four pairs of ski poles... Four pairs of poles? 

Yeah. Everybody’s except mine.

As the others silently watched, I searched. I pulled everything out, opened everything up, and threw everything back in. Nada. I must have left them back at the inn. 

 “Why me?” I whimpered. “Why is it always me?” I considered checking into a locked institution as soon as I got home. If I hadn't lost my plane ticket, too.

When the last of the clothes and bags were back in the van, Jean sweetly offered to lend me her spare set of poles. “That would be great,” I murmured, pathetically grateful.

 “On second thought, though, maybe I shouldn’t. They’re my favorite poles, and if you lost them…”

I groaned, and Jean said brightly, “Hey, Jules, why don’t you just rent a pair? The shop is right over there.”

I trudged dispiritedly to the rental shop. When I got there, the door was blocked by a crossed set of ski poles stuck in the snow. 

Isn’t that odd, I thought. Someone else has the same old, black, scratched-up model as mine… WITH MY NAME ON THEM.

Behind me, I heard an outburst of raucous laughter from my friends. 

I knew it! I knew Jean didn’t really want that coffee. Rats don’t drink caffeine. 

 

Jules Older’s ebook of travel misadventure is DEATH BY TARTAR SAUCE: A Travel Writer Encounters Gargantuan Gators, Irksome Offspring, Murderous Mayonnaise & True Love.

PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (3)

For heaven's sake - don't lose Effin! Great tale, Jules!

March 19, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen Magee

Amid the vicissitudes of travel -jetlag, time shifts, unfamiliar environments, unwanted 'help' from unidentified assistants, etc.- we've ALL done it. My wife, Judie, recommends making an inventory pre and post every activity.Still, I've supplied more than a few items of clothing to the hopefully needy in several countries and a camera full of unreproducible memories to a fellow bus rider in Lisbon.
Most things can be replaced and I've heard that scientists with nothing better to do are working on synthetic virginity.

I would've written sooner, but I lost your address.

March 23, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPaul Ross

Nice to knoe I'm not the only person to lose things but I don't have a wife.....
Great piece.

March 23, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNancy King

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...