You Cruise, You Lose
by Paul Ross
A vacation on a large cruise ship is a lot of things: convenient, easy, hassle-free (unpack once!), planned and scheduled, largely affordable, entertaining and unchallenging. You’ll know when, where, with whom and pretty much what you’re going to eat, who won the knobby-knees contest at the aft deck pool between the disco and life raft station zebra and exactly how long the “endless night soiree” will last. What’s not to like? At times, and on specially-themed outings, there are even opportunities to learn something. But, mostly, there is relaxation--especially during those long “days at sea.” Yes, vacation cruising can be many things. But it is not travel.
illustration © Paul Ross
Travel can include difficulty, surprise, expense (both monetary and personal), challenge and always a chance of the unknown, which necessitates awareness. There are “lessons” aplenty but they’re rarely pre-digested and aren’t spoon-fed. You not only learn about the places and people you visit, but also about yourself.
You’ll have to find eateries on your own and they may be native and weird. Or, as an adult, you might even enjoy a brand new taste sensation. There may be a schedule--which can vanish in the instant it takes to get a blown out tire, be caught in a storm, or meet an unexpected situation or person of interest. Cruising is Disneyland afloat. Travel is what happens behind the scenes, beyond the gates and out in the world. The challenge is real but so are the adventures, discoveries, revelations and delights.
But what about those times off the boat—the infamous (and costly) shore excursions? When you hit an exotic port of call? There are locals all around the dock, lots of crafts to buy and tours that deliver an indigenous experience. Wrong. It’s all a show; a modern variation of “blacking up” for a minstrel performance. And many’s the vacationer who’s returned home and found “China” stamped on the bottom of the authentic spirit ashtray.
When 3,000 people disembark to “discover” a town of 200: it is not genuine, it’s an invasion. And how in hell can you have “a day at leisure” when--the entire time--you’re on the clock!?
You can come back from a cruise with the same photos as at least 800 of your fellow passengers, a tan, 7-14 more pounds (on average, for an 8-day trip) and the most dreaded single word that anyone can reply to the inevitable question: (How was it?) “Nice.”
But, with travel, you can truly create memories that will last a lifetime, unique and personal experiences, and surprising adventures spanning the gap from absolutely frightening to glorious beyond words. Artists and statesmen are born of travel. Cruising makes consumers.
There may be exceptions. I can think of one possibility.
On one of the cruises that I’ve taken, I was given a tour of the onboard medical facilities by the ship’s doctor. There was a fully-equipped surgery, linked by satellite to specialists all over the globe, and a spacious recovery suite that’d be the envy of any big city hospital.
I asked the doctor if passage was ever refused to anyone on the basis of his or her health history. The answer was no, but then he went on to elaborate that occasionally terminally ill customers have booked the recovery suite, and the entire floor for their families and a supporting staff of doctors and attendant nurses, for an around-the-world cruise, the patient knowing that the journey would not be completed.
My first reaction was to scoff. But then I thought, “What’s better?—Finishing out your days in a hospital, looking out at the same thing, or gazing through a porthole watching the world go by?”
Luckily, I’m not currently compelled to ponder the idea further. For now, I wouldn’t be caught dead on a cruise ship, but near it might be a different story.
-Paul Ross is a Santa Fe-based photographer and writer. He has more ashore at www.globaladventure.us.
9 Comments
Reader Comments (9)
Hi Paul,
I love small ship expedition-style cruising! Nothing like you described here. Maybe you should give it a try. :)
A few faves: American Safari Cruises, Lindblad Expeditions, Star Clippers
Ellen
If I book the terminally ill cruise, do I have to pay in advance?
Great article, Paul. I have managed to avoid cruises. My husband and I did hire a sailboat in the Aegean with 6 other people and hired a captain. A do-it-yourself cruise is just as much fun as independent travel on land.
I particularly like your conclusion. I had a friend who was a well-traveled septuagenarian. When asked if she ever went on cruises, she said, "That's for when I'm can't get around without my walker."
Vera
Paul, I would never sail on the type cruise that you've described. Those large floating cities aren't for me. I draw the line at 800 passengers (small ship cruising) and preferably less. I find small ship cruising to be totally different. There aren't any knobby knees contests and I can eat when and with whomever I please. The lectures are excellent, preparing me to visit our ports of call. If you've ever sailed with Terry Breen on Regent, you'll be educated besides catching her enthusiasm for a destination.
You have a point about port and land excursions being more show than real life. I use the excursions as a way to "sample" a country to see if I'd like to return on my own. I don't expect it to be an in-depth experience. I'm happy that I sailed the Baltic with stops in St. Petersburg to see the Hermitage and Catherine's Palace. I was blown away by the day I spent in Bali on a ship's private tour. On my next cruise, I'll be hiking in Alaska, my husband will take a major bike ride, we'll be touring the countryside in Siberia and then spending two nights off the ship in Beijing as well as in Bangkok.
There are many ways to travel and experience the world. I don't think it's my place to judge which one is actually travel. I say, "whatever floats your boat.'
For some real true stories about what happens on cruise ship, check out:
www.cruiseshipstories.com
Thanks,
Sean (former crew member)
Paul Ross replies: I was talking about the huge cruise ships, generalizing and exaggerating for the sake of humorous emphasis. But there are different cruises, different folk and variances in personal enjoyments.
I heard about a small expedition cruise to Alaska where so many passengers died (from a number of existing natural ailments) that they filled the ship's morgue and had to improvise both further storage and explanations about where "the others" were are every meal. That would've been intimate but probably one I wouln't've cared for either.
Hi Paul
Loved your article. I agree with Vera's friend about cruises.
If you have the time, ha, ha, try a freighter. It gives you an entirely different idea of the countries as you enter from the commercial ports and go to places no one has ever heard of. You have the run of the entire ship so it's easy to get away from the eight to ten other passengers. Best of all, there's no Bingo in the lounge or knobbly knee contests.
Paul--Try a 24-passenger river boat barge down rhe Amazon. Linda Moon
Interesting perspective on cruise travel. I own an agency and I sort of agree. Cruises are a floating event which is packaged and designed to run like clockwork. The first few cruises we went on, we did everything - the midnight buffets, the tuxes and evening wear, etc. Now I actually like to work on cruise ships. While everyone is off doing bingo or learning to fold napkins, I've worked on books, developed software, and other things. In ports we tend to make our own excursions - although getting lost in the jungle in a rented jeep has it's downside as well. A lot is about setting your expectations and making it the way you want it.