Helicopter Mom To The Rescue
by Marla Finn
Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird? A plane? Sarah Palin looking for more wolves to shoot? NO! It's Helicopter Mom hovering over her children. Watch out! You better get out of my way, or else!
Okay, listen. We've all been hearing and reading a ton about the current generation of moms and dads who are too involved in their children's lives and just can't seem let go. Well, let me tell you that I'm not just one of those. I specialize. I have unique talents and longevity that no other Helicopter Mom has. After all, I've been one for over a quarter century now. No wonder all the other HM's come to me for advice.
Oh, sure, I have my fingers in everything my children are doing, even though they're now in their early and mid 20's. The finger part is the initial requirement to get into the HM club. With a flip of my cell phone, I call the heads of universities and demand immediate attention for my kids. Any counselor, professor or advisor better watch out for my wing span, cause I don't stop flying till my mission is accomplished. And it so helps that I do character voices for a living. Cause every good helicopter mom knows that pretending you are your kid is essential for completing any task...especially at the university level, where they won't even talk to you if you breathe the words "mother" or "father."
In fact, I just got off the phone with the admissions office at the college my youngest hopes to transfer into this fall. I made my voice higher, to sound like I'm 20 instead of 60, I had her address, social security and student numbers at the ready, and I played my daughter like an academy award winning actress to get the info I wanted immediately. No one beats me to the punch. No one takes advantage of my kids. No one tells me "no." HM's do not ever take "no" for an answer. If we can't get what we want one place, we fly off somewhere else till we can.
Now, most HM's don't have other powers, but I do. Oh, yeah, I've also been called "Supermom," and I'm one of those, too. Big deal. A lot of moms can be that. But to really fly high in the HM world these days, having extra talents really comes in handy. What are mine? Let's start with outstanding peeping Tom skills, and the ability to eavesdrop from outside closed doors. When my girls are talking in whispers, behind closed doors, about sexual encounters with guys, or how they drank themselves into a stupor then blacked out at a party when the cops arrived, I know psychically what will happen next. The door will suddenly open. And I am prepared. I hastily flee the scene to the laundry room, and appear totally relaxed and in the middle of folding laundry. Trust me, this is the only way to keep your kids from catching you in the act of snooping, and then having to endure their wrath and outrage about having a mother who listens in to their private conversations.
Snooping and fleeing are not my only skills. Remember-- I told you I was a special one. I not only hover to obtain any and all info I can for and about my kids, but I'm also actively, always looking for mates for them. It's so frequent, in fact, that my husband has now dubbed me, "Helicopter Mom Pimp." He bestowed that honorific on me during a recent trip to Santa Barbara, to help our daughter move into her new apartment at college. Every time I saw a cute guy for her, I flew over to schmooze with him. When we were on the beach, I made friends with the hot lifeguards who were close to her age. At restaurants, I buzzed over every college-aged waiter who looked sweet or promising, and found out everything about him. At Best Buy, I got the cutest guys to give me their phone numbers, including all the guys on the Geek Squak (after all, you never know when she might need free computer help, right?). I honestly can't help myself. And though all good HM's embarrass their children at certain times, after that trip, my daughter said she wanted to strangle me for all the pimping I was doing on her behalf. Wow. Some kids are so ungrateful.
Now, I fear, it's spreading to my whole life. I am becoming a Helicopter Mom Pimp friend, teacher and neighbor, too. Oh, sure, maybe it's from being Jewish and having the "yenta" gene implanted in me since birth. Maybe that's why I can't help myself. Even though my daughters no longer live in the same city as I do, I still scout the horizons daily for smart, sexy, funny, talented, rich guys (preferably doctors, lawyers or successful business-types, for when they finally tire of their jocks, frat boys and actor/musician types). For my older girlfriends, I'm searching for guys who are kind, wealthy and can still get it up without Viagra. My students are like my adopted children, so for them I'm looking for mates who are almost as good as the top guys I'm saving for my girls (cause they're certainly not getting my A-list ones till I'm sure they're out of the running for a spot in my family). It really is an obsession. I won't rest my wings till I find a soul mate for everyone in my life that I care about.
But, I must dash. My engines are humming. It's a new day and the friendly skies are calling. Watch for me soon in the skies over you, especially if you mess with my kids.
Peace out,
HMP
Marla Finn is an actress, writer, teacher, living in Scottsdale, AZ. She is the Co-founder of the Phoenix Film Institute, along with her Emmy Award Winning Producer husband, Peter Stelzer.As an actress, this past season, Marla played "Peg," in the film, "Jake's Corner," and is currently in theaters playing the waitress in the movie, "Sugar."
photo by 111 Emergency
13 Comments
Reader Comments (13)
Very animated Marla!!
Marla,
I laughed out loud! It is always so good to know that we are not alone ;) If I didn't know better I would have thought you were writing about me....hmmm maybe I don't have to cut that cord after all, at least not for a few more years. Your writing is so fun because it's so easy to identify with it--thanks for making me feel normal :) I loved this story!
Marla Finn is not only a talented, smart, dedicated mom and wife but one of the kindest human beings we've ever met! This article describes her "mom" side, but Marla has many sides: we know the "teacher/mentor" side best, but she treats us like family so, in a way, we are very connected to her "mom" side. She is genuine, giving and passionate. I love this article and I love the term Helicopter Mom. Once again, Marla Finn, you amaze me!
Love Love Love your article Marla! As a single momma I already know I will be JUST LIKE YOU! You are a great inspiration and hope to study under you again real soon! Much Love!!!!
Marla, is that you in the photo? If it's not, it must be me!
I never heard the term "Helicopter Mom" before but I am glad I am not alone in being one.
What fun reading. Thank you!
Oh Marla, you remind me so much of my mom! Loved the little article, really perked up my spirits! Thanks for the chuckle :)
Love it! I am HM for sure. However, I am really going to work on my peeping Tom skills.
Marla, this story is hilarious, as well as very informative.
HI Marla,
I loved your piece-LOL with many shocks of recognition! I'm writing a book (for Workman Publishing) about parents and their 20-somethings and it sounds as if you'd be a wonderful person to talk with. Would you kindly e-mail me if you'd be able to talk on the phone about being a parent at this stage? I'd really appreciate it, and I know you'd have great words of wisdom for readers.
with thanks,
Elizabeth
erfishel@gmail.com
What a fun article and a cool Mom. What struck me is that your girls someday will look back and be so grateful they had a Mom like you. Caring, funny and witty. I suspect you will find just the right man for each of them. Helicopters are not only for hovering but they often come to the rescue. I have have to laugh...Peter and his Pimp Mom. The visual is too much...a big heavy chain with an M, a ring on every finger.......lining up the boys...
LB
Mom, I'm sitting in the library and decided to take a break and read your article. I literally have been laughing out loud! People must think I'm crazy. Thank you for FINALLY admitting to eavesdropping outside the bathroom door when Ali and I are talking and then lying and pretending to be going to do laundry --- just so you know, we have always known you were eavesdropping! You're not as clever as you think! This seriously just made me laugh so hard bringing back so many memories. Oh, and I didn't know you called UCSB pretending to be me! I was wondering how you were able to get ahold of all the information you did; it all makes sense now! Well, I love you but next visit to Santa Barbara you need to bring the "Pimping" to a minimum. Go pimp out your students and give your daughters a rest for a little!
I love you my little Helicopter Mom Pimp --- you are definitely 1 of a kind!
Miss you tons, I can't wait till I'm not so swamped with school and I can come home and visit to see you and dad!
p.s. you forgot about when you tried to hold my towel on my head for me last time I visited home when I got out of the shower ---- talk about having more than a "finger" in my life mom.
love,
your youngest
After just returning from meddling in my 32 year old daughter's life (she and her signifigant other are using the "M" word!), I fully understand both the hilarity and seriousness of your endeavor. And I'm only the dad. Ah, Marla, you bring it all to life. After all, what could be more fun than embarassing your kids as you hover nearby. But I'm not absolutely convinced your interest in all those cute young guys is purely pimpish.
Loved your article, Marla. . I'm sure you have a fantastic relationship with your daughters. You sound liked
a VERY FUN MOM! Claire
Hey, Everyone!
I just wanted to thank all of you who read and took the time to comment on my helicopter mom story. All your comments were wonderful! I know nothing about this blogging stuff, and don't know why anyone would bother coming back to a story once they've read it, but my editor insists that I should respond and post comments, too. So here I am, with a big, giant, helicopter mom pimp thank you! I will be back with more, because if you're all willing to read my stories, then I am spurred on to write more of them for your enjoyment. Thanks again to all of you!!! Much love, HMP, alias Marla Finn. :)